Perhaps I had ambitions to be an MP - or an undertaker!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

First you are young, then you are middle-aged, then you are old, then you are wonderful. (Lady Diana Cooper)


An eighty-year old man had been to the doctor for a complete check-up. A few days later the doctor met him in the street with a gorgeous dolly-bird on his arm.

At the old fellow’s next visit to the surgery, the doctor told him, “You’re really doing great. Considering how old you are, your health is excellent.” The old man replied, “I’m just doing what you said - get a hot mamma and be cheerful!“

The doctor said, “No, no, I didn't say that. I said - you got a heart murmur; be careful!”


Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple of tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is old age. (Anon)


I am an old man and have known many troubles, but most of them never happened. (Mark Twain and others)

One of the good things about getting older is you find you're more interesting than most of the people you meet. (Lee Marvin)

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. (Abraham Lincoln)

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. (George Burns)

Old age is a lot of crossed-off names in your address book. (Ronald Blythe)


A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go. (Anon)


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